I was talking to my good friend Phil today and telling him how I was planning to take all of November off if I could turnover enough in October. For some reason he thought this was a crazy idea and started telling me I couldn’t do it – but then later admitted that he didn’t really care and said “someone needs to say no to you sometimes” … which got me thinking.
No: Such Thing As No
When it comes to doing something I want to do, the word “no” quite literally isn’t in my vocabulary. There’s “yes, now” and there’s “yes, later” but never “no”.
In some (I think most) cases, this is a good thing. When it comes to business for example, if I want it I go and get it, and I don’t stop working until I do. In other scenarios it can pose a bit of a problem, as my long-suffering girlfriend, high school teachers, and parents will happily tell you.
The only time “no” does enter my day-to-day vocabulary is when I’m asked to do something that I don’t want to do, usually because I am instead doing something that I do want to do.
For some reason “F#$& off, I’m busy learning HTML” doesn’t go down well in response to “John, tell me how to conjugate the word ‘ecouter’ (to listen) in French”.
No: I Won’t Change
When I was growing up people constantly tried to drill this “attitude problem” out of me. Teachers, school “guidance” counselors, headmasters, family, and all the rest. It didn’t help one little bit of course, there has never been anything that has annoyed me more than being told what is and isn’t possible. This is to the extent that the most memorable quote from my teenage years of defiance is actually from an Adidas advertising campaign. I had it pinned to my bedroom wall for many years, and it still speaks to me a great deal. It goes as follows…
No: Regrets.
I live to make my own mistakes, and learn from them. Don’t tell me a certain food tastes bad, I’ll taste it for myself thanks. Don’t try to stop me from burning my hand on the stove, I won’t learn if I don’t do it.
I don’t want to be eighty years old, sitting in my rocking chair, thinking to myself “I wonder what would have happened if…”
I have lots of tattoos because I love them, and some people ask me “but what about about when you’re 80 and your skin is all wrinkly?” – To which my response is usually “what about when you’re 80 and you figure out that you never bothered to live your life?”.
I want to try everything, take every opportunity, and fail as often as I can. Why? Because then I can say that I did it, and I know it. To me, there’s no point in going through life any other way. There are far too many people in the world being told what they “should” be doing instead of doing what they want to be doing.
As I get older and experience new things, I find myself living by a new a quote that’s becoming increasingly dear to me.
No: Is Still Something I Won’t Listen To.
I’m stubborn, probably more stubborn than anyone else I know (except maybe my dad, he’s pretty stubborn too). But being stubborn is defined as “tenacious unwillingness to yield” – and tenacity is defined as “persistent determination”. So I’ll take my stubbornness. I’m ok with that.
Tell me it’ll be difficult, tell me it’ll take a long time, tell me that I’ll regret it, but don’t tell me I can’t do it. Cause I can.
Photo by erix
…it’s funny how people always try and change your attitude just because it doesn’t fit in with their way of doing things.
…as for saying ‘no’ – well, I’m very much a yes person myself, but lately, the power of the word ‘no’ has proved to be very powerful, when you don’t have enough hours in a day to get everything done you say ‘yes’ to, ‘no’ becomes your greatest weapon against burnout.
Like the new blog layout, not overally convinced it’s you, but it’s very readable :)
I’m with you on that one, “no” isn’t a word that I have using when requests are made of me. It’s just one I have have a problem accepting in response to my own requests! #irony
Just to add to the impossible picture even the word “impossible” itself doesn’t accept it, screaming IM-POSSIBLE :)
You’ve got such an inspiring blog John. keep it up!
I’d never noticed that before, I like it! :)
Love the post and you haver total agreement.. I only have one saying, but it’s something I’ve always followed.
“Better to regret something you’ve done, rather than something you didn’t do!”
Thanks Brian, love the quote :) very similar!
You know, I don’t often respond to blog posts, but you articulated my attitude towards life, and I felt this article deserved a response. Keep doing you, playa…let the cowards find joy in their cowardliness…
Well in that case I’m honoured that you took the time to leave a comment, thank you so much for the kind words!
It seems you and I are alike in the sense that people were trying to drum this ‘attitude problem’ out of you during school. I always finished my work, then did stuff that I wanted to do. Why should I do something I don’t want to do? There’s no point. I’ve always been smart enough to know what is going to benefit me in the future, so I’ve only ever stuck to doing this kind of thing and other things and stuff I find interesting.
I wouldn’t say I’m a _yes_ man, but I’m definitely more of a yes man than a no man.
Totally agree Luke – “Why should I do something I don’t want to do?” – that’s the one that drives my girlfriend crazy, but it’s an engraved part of me!
Me too, though I’ve also learnt never to say ‘no’ to my girlfriend, I slip up sometimes though!
Although I mostly agree with your post, I cannot help but wonder why the biggest drive to you seems to be ‘no’. What do you say ‘yes’ to?
As much stuff as I possibly can – that was kind of the point? :)
Inspiring post, John. I really like the message and wish that I myself could live by it. Unfortunately, for me it is easier to sit back and worry about what could go wrong. I guess the first part of growing is to realize it… Problem is, I’ve been in that “realizing it” state for a long time and still nothing has changed. Argh!
I’m a strong believer that you can only be who you are, so maybe for you “realizing it” is what matters, and your next step is to accept it and be happy with it? :)
I like this line …
“I live to make my own mistakes, and learn from them. Don’t tell me a certain food tastes bad, I’ll taste it for myself thanks. Don’t try to stop me from burning my hand on the stove, I won’t learn if I don’t do it.”
That is a great life-philosophy to have. Go get ‘em. :)
We are often our own worst enemies, and that means, in my view, that we often don’t allow ourselves to grow and learn because we’re so afraid of what others may think of us, or we’re just afraid, period. By making our own mistakes and thereby gaining wisdom through our own experiences we grow as human beings – we evolve and we get better and we contribute more to our immediate loved ones and society in general. Why be another ‘sheep’ to the slaughter? Innovators, visionaries and true leaders are not ‘yes’ men and women.
Thanks for commenting Anne, really appreciate it :)
I’m really glad that this has resonated positively with several people so far
Wow. John this new blog makes your post seem like a whole different style and type.
In a good way? :P
Great, motivational article John. I like it a lot (unlike Grand Theft Auto).
Friction at school for me came not from a don’t-take-no-for-an-answer attitude like yours but from my unquenchable desire to know “why?”
I’ve been blessed/cursed throughout life to always want to know why things are the way they are and nothing gets my back up more than the response “It just is.”
Example: when I was in like year 9 or 10 at secondary school I wanted to go into the computer room in the library at lunch time to get some information online for an essay i needed to hand in that afternoon. When I asked the librarian she said “You can’t use the computers today.” I looked around the corners and saw 20 PCs not in use and said “Why not?” To this day when I think about her answer I come over all angry and have to remind myself that it was like 12 years ago and it doesn’t matter anymore. She said: “Because it’s Tuesday.” and no matter how hard I pressed her to elaborate on that reasoning (They threatened to ban me from the library for the year, I know… productive.) she wouldn’t. To her “It’s Tuesday was a perfectly reasonable answer as to why I wasn’t allowed to use the computers. I actually got in quite a lot of trouble because of how I spoke to the librarian but I remained defiant to the end. I didn’t want a 3 hour explanation. A simple “Scheduled netowrk maintenance” or “They’re pre-booked for year 11s to do coursework” would have been totally fine.
Of course that’s an idiotic example but it illustrates my point. I can’t just accept the way things are without knowing why.
Dan, I know exactly what you mean. I’m glad it wasn’t just my school that had the final word, regardless of whether the reason was valid or even made any sense at all. They basically just said: “because you can’t”, as opposed to giving me a good point to which I may have said “That’s fair enough, I’ll come back another time or go elsewhere.” I know this is a digression, but I think schools could learn a lot from treating children like adults and I have proof of this from when I left high school and went onto further education (sixth form), where everyone in the whole grammar school was treated like an adult. Guess what? Fewer pupils were naughty, disruptive etc.
It’s okay to say no if you have a good reason for it, not just “ner, ner you can’t do it!”
Agreed. Kids aren’t idiots, they’ve just not had life experience.
Hi John,
Wow, I really like this post! :-))
Have you ever read “Think and grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill? (A classic masterpiece written in the 1930′s) If you haven’t don’t be put off by the “get rich” sounding title. This is a book that has really made me look at myself in a totally different light, and emphasizes quite a few points you have mentioned here in your post. I listen to this book (as an audio book on my iPhone) everyday on a morning walk. I can’t recommend it enough.
You might also want to check out “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury, Ph.D.
Thanks again for another fine post :-)
Thanks Karl, I’ll definitely check both of those out :)
First off, really impressed with your new blog design, its much easier on the eye.
Regarding your post, well, im impressed with your tenacity of spirit!
So many people will try and hold you back through your life, both unintentionally – ‘its for your own good’ and some on purpose ‘I failed/was to scared to try, so you wont be able to’.
It takes effort to keep fighting sometimes but the reward far out-ways the sacrifices.
“to thine own self be true” is a quote that has kept me going on my own path.
In disguise, the Sydney Harris quote came my way some years ago and haunted me for months:
“Maybe you don’t go to hell for the things you did. Maybe you go to hell for the things you didn’t do… for the things you didn’t finish.”
(from Chuck Palahniuk’s “Diary”)
And gathering from the last ten minutes of staring into space, “Impossible is an opinion” will be next on the haunting list…
thanks a lot for that post! :-]
I LOVE Chuck Palahniuk, I’d never heard that quote before! I must read more of his stuff :) Thanks for sharing!
Interesting read, Jon.
It’s great to have a “yes” and a “why” attitude to life. Unfortunately for some people, having “no” and “just because” drummed in at an early age can make the “yes” attitude much harder to attain. I think this comes down to the question of nature versus nurture.
You said your Dad is pretty stubborn, do you think if he had not been stubborn, you would also not be stubborn? Or is stubbornness an innate quality you possess, regardless of parenting? I know that’s pretty impossible to answer since you can’t know how things might have been different if your dad had a different personality. I’m curious if you have a perspective on this though?
I’m also curious about how you deal with demands from others that clearly warrant a “No” response. Do you say “Yes” to everything? Danny Wallace tried that and it caused some interesting scenarios! :-)
Could you also clarify your view on “I want to make my own” mistakes? That needs some further explanation. No parent would allow a child to play around in a kitchen with boiling pans, or let them run into the road “just to see what might happen”. Learning by experience is one thing, but protecting people from their lack of experience — for their own safety — is more important and also a learning experience for them anyway. I guess you weren’t referring to small children in your comment, but where do you draw that line? Age 4, 5, 6, 10?
Thanks for the comment Matt :) You make some interesting points
With regards to my Dad I wonder very much if it’s his behaviour that rubbed off on me, or his DNA. From seeing some recent studies on genetics in Twins and just how much of their personalities are defined by DNA, I’m definitely leaning more in that direction.
As for my response to demands – I certainly don’t have a problem saying no to people, it’s just an answer that I won’t accept when given to me! Slightly contradictory I know.
The “make my own mistakes” argument that you raise is a very interesting one – I’d say that perhaps the definition of good parenting is knowing where to draw the line, and where to move it to as the child gets older. Putting a child in serious danger is obviously unacceptable, but children these days are so coddled that they are apparently more susceptible to disease in later life because their immune systems were never given a chance to develop. All that is going on a slight tangent, but I think that the underlying principle of being weakened by having life-experiences withheld from you holds true.
I would love to see you do mashup with the list of products ADIDAS has failed to commercialise. They can say nothing is impossible because they have built their business with child labour. Selling shoes for a fair price: impossible
Hi “John Doe” – first of all thanks for commenting, it’s always great to know that people are reading what I write. I think you kind of missed the point of the post (clue: it had nothing to do with how Adidas run their company), but I’m glad that you took the time to express your feelings, even if it was in an anonymous cowardly way :)
I really enjoyed this article, and like some of the other commenters, it really reminds me of my own attitude towards life. I can especially relate to what Dan said in his comment about always wanting to know “why?”
In my opinion, this “why” attitude is so helpful in all aspects of life, especially in self-improvement. If you fail at something, you figure out why you failed and then try it again differently. To me, and apparently to a lot of these commenters and yourself, it seems like such common sense to ask why. Why would someone NOT want to know why?
As far as the word “no” is concerned, I grew up with the same attitude. Unfortunately, that attitude disappeared when I started working real jobs in my industry. I became a spineless yes-man because the people asking the questions were the ones signing the checks. Now, after being at the same place for almost five years, I’m finally learning to say no when I think it’s the right answer. Example: “Even though you’re fully booked all week, can you develop this magical feature for this website and have it live by end-of-day tomorrow?” “No.”
It feels so good to finally say it!